I've got a question for you, when was the last time you put yourself on charge? (no I don't mean sitting on the floor near your bed and plugging yourself in, although that would make our lives easier), I mean recharged those internal batteries. I worked with a CBT Therapist in January 2021, he would refer to the mobile phone battery when trying to gauge how I was feeling, and I really got that, it's a great analogy and it stuck with me since. You use your battery for everything to varying degrees and charge yourself by sleeping, eating, exercising (probably the main 3). But also going on holiday, changing my routine (although I love it, it's nice to be free), having a night without my phone, fun activities with Erin, socialising with my friends, getting a weekend or even a night away, these are some of mine - but what about you? I'm not sure about anyone else but I charge my phone overnight, the most battery it has is in the morning, which is a bit like me. I usually feel more energised at that time, which slowly dwindles away from there, I can top it up during the day if I needed to but usually wouldn't. This cycle continues, until you either don't charge up or you use more battery than usual, when you see the red 20% you get that warning it's time to charge but if you still don't, you enter the dreaded "low power mode" yes the vital functions are still working but all the other stuff is off, its survival mode. This is when you're forced to take a break and charge, maybe you don't have the energy to go to that party, meet that friend. Although some of these interactions do sometimes charge you a little, they also take away and if you're in low power mode, essential functions only.
I found out first hand what happens when you don't take that time and you don't think you need/deserve it. At the back end of last year, realistically once summer was over I was waiting for Christmas. The dark nights started to roll in, the cold, mist and frost started to get into my bones. It started off a struggle to get out of bed, I felt like I was awoken from a deep sleep, feeling really groggy and cold, i'd get out, feel the cold and go back into bed to be warm but then I couldn't get out of bed and started going back to sleep. It may not sound like much but this is how things started. It then had a knock on effect for the things I wanted to get done in the morning, but that was fine, I started to do them in the evening instead and changed the times I was sleeping slightly which helped to begin with, but then they slipped too. I started to lose energy quickly during the day, so then in the evenings it became hard to get anything done. It's really at this point reflecting back, I needed to stop and assess what was going on but I didn't and ploughed on through (sound familiar). Slowly everything was being consumed like a giant shadow taking all the sunlight, I was exercising less, working less and just generally feeling less. This gave the colonel his loud booming voice (more about them another time) basically making everything more negative and I needed to do more not less. Imagine someone shouting, if they aren't shouting they are moaning at you - that's how it started to feel in my head, i'd been here before but how did it happen so fast, I got a little worried where things were heading.
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It was at this point as I'd been fighting it for a while, trying to muddle through. I was forced to take a break, do the bare minimum and a little less. The problem with being forced to take a break is that you still have things to do which get missed, but the world goes on and things don't fall apart. I'd smashed through that 20% and hit the dreaded low power mode, my vital functions were working but that was about it at the time. I hadn't listened to the warning signs for whatever reason, now I was out of battery, on charge waiting for everything to turn back on again. I probably ended up doing 3/4 months this way, until I made it to Christmas and actually got that bigger break, could relax, recharge and change my routine. Although I love my routine, I'm quite strict and regimented with it, it was also one of the main reasons why I was feeling the way I was. Sometimes you just need a break from the norm, I'd set my stall out way back in August/September about getting to Christmas, so it was kind of odds on to happen. Looking back I would add in those smaller breaks in between, I took a "get to that point at all costs route" without stopping to consider or be flexible (massive point here, we have to be flexible) about what might happen on the route, which wasn't the smartest move, but we live and we learn right? Let's see if we can avoid that this year. I guess the lesson, if there ever is one when I start rambling, is to firstly figure out what charges you, gives you that energy, then top up your battery whenever you can and try to avoid low power mode. Simple right?